Hey everyone! Since we have been home, I have had several people ask me if I have thought of writing a book. I am still pondering that, but at that moment I am not quite ready to. However, my brother, Kris, who is a very talented and gifted writer, asked me if he could turn our blog entries in to a devotional. We agreed and now that devotional is ready. If you go to, www.krisholzmeyer.com they are available for purchase.
I know when I was going through my preganancy and then Ellie's life, the biggest help and support to me was some one that understood what I was going through. God gave me that in my friend, Jessica. I am so thankful for her and her understanding of this journey. I have prayed that some way I could be that help to someone. If you know anyone that is going through a similar trial, or think that our journey could be a help to someone going through a different kind of trial, I would feel blessed and honored to know that our life, our journey could be of help to them.
In Him,
April
Monday, March 19, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
March and Maddy
March was always one of my favorite months. March meant spring was coming. Spring meant warmer weather, the sun staying out longer, getting out of sweaters and pants and boots and putting on shorts, capris and flip flops. March meant spring break and I always loved a chance to get out of school! Two years ago though, March and what it meant to me changed forever.
Two years ago today, I awoke very early thinking I was in labor. Being pregnant for the first time and scared not knowing what we were in for, I was terrified to go to the hospital, but knew we had to go. At about 3:40 that morning Matt and I loaded up in the car and drove, very quickly to the hospital. I was nervous, scared, excited, and happy. I think I was all the things you would be when you are about to become a parent for the first time. We arrived at the hospital and checked in to the triage area where they would get me hooked up to monitors and then get me to a room. It was at that moment, when Matt and I's lives were forever changed. I remember they were trying to locate her heartbeat on the monitor but were unable to do so. They then decided to do a ultrasound to try to find it. I remember looking at Matt, terrified, saying "Something is wrong!" He was so strong and kept assuring me that everything was fine. Then the ultrasound came. I will never forget the look on that woman's face and how she just shook her head and said she was sorry. At that point, the world just stopped for me. How could this be? Was this a nightmare? She can't be right. My daughter is not gone. At that point, I just started crying and shaking and screaming. Maddy was gone. She was in heaven. And now we were going to have to learn to live without our child.
I still can't really put in to words what that day has done to me. It hurts. It's wrong. I get angry knowing that we didn't have the happy exciting outcome that so many others have. I still say why me? every day. I wonder what she would be doing now. I look at other toddlers who would be around her age and think would Maddy being doing that? What would she look like now? Sometimes its just an ache that sets in that's stronger than the normal ache. To know that instead of planning a big birthday party where I spent to much money and she was overwhelmed with presents, that I get a flower arrangement and and take it to her grave to pay my respects, is just not right. It's not fair, plain and simple. I just want her and Ellie here with us.
With all of the pain and heartache we have been through, I can tell you this-no matter how rough the waters get or how deep the pain may feel, I know that I can call on God and He will carry me through. I have learned to lean on him in a way that I never thought possible. As you can see, I still question, and get angry. He's ok with that. I know He is. These past few days have been very hard on me. Last year we had Ellie coming and that helped to ease some of the pain. This year, I have struggled a lot remembering every moment of these few days from two years ago. It's just hard.
Maddy,
Thank you for the most precious nine months a mommy could ask for. I remember all of our wonderful times together. I will never forget the way you could do flips in my belly and how you loved to listen to music. I thank you for teaching me what is like to love in a way I have never loved before. I wish you were here, I will always wish that. I can still feel you in my arms and long for the day I can hold you again. I know you and your sister are having so much fun in heaven today and everyday. Know that your mommy and daddy love you both more than words can ever say. I will always praise God for the fact that he choose me to carry two of the most special beautiful girls in all the world. I love you and I miss you more than words.
Love,
Mommy
Two years ago today, I awoke very early thinking I was in labor. Being pregnant for the first time and scared not knowing what we were in for, I was terrified to go to the hospital, but knew we had to go. At about 3:40 that morning Matt and I loaded up in the car and drove, very quickly to the hospital. I was nervous, scared, excited, and happy. I think I was all the things you would be when you are about to become a parent for the first time. We arrived at the hospital and checked in to the triage area where they would get me hooked up to monitors and then get me to a room. It was at that moment, when Matt and I's lives were forever changed. I remember they were trying to locate her heartbeat on the monitor but were unable to do so. They then decided to do a ultrasound to try to find it. I remember looking at Matt, terrified, saying "Something is wrong!" He was so strong and kept assuring me that everything was fine. Then the ultrasound came. I will never forget the look on that woman's face and how she just shook her head and said she was sorry. At that point, the world just stopped for me. How could this be? Was this a nightmare? She can't be right. My daughter is not gone. At that point, I just started crying and shaking and screaming. Maddy was gone. She was in heaven. And now we were going to have to learn to live without our child.
I still can't really put in to words what that day has done to me. It hurts. It's wrong. I get angry knowing that we didn't have the happy exciting outcome that so many others have. I still say why me? every day. I wonder what she would be doing now. I look at other toddlers who would be around her age and think would Maddy being doing that? What would she look like now? Sometimes its just an ache that sets in that's stronger than the normal ache. To know that instead of planning a big birthday party where I spent to much money and she was overwhelmed with presents, that I get a flower arrangement and and take it to her grave to pay my respects, is just not right. It's not fair, plain and simple. I just want her and Ellie here with us.
With all of the pain and heartache we have been through, I can tell you this-no matter how rough the waters get or how deep the pain may feel, I know that I can call on God and He will carry me through. I have learned to lean on him in a way that I never thought possible. As you can see, I still question, and get angry. He's ok with that. I know He is. These past few days have been very hard on me. Last year we had Ellie coming and that helped to ease some of the pain. This year, I have struggled a lot remembering every moment of these few days from two years ago. It's just hard.
Maddy,
Thank you for the most precious nine months a mommy could ask for. I remember all of our wonderful times together. I will never forget the way you could do flips in my belly and how you loved to listen to music. I thank you for teaching me what is like to love in a way I have never loved before. I wish you were here, I will always wish that. I can still feel you in my arms and long for the day I can hold you again. I know you and your sister are having so much fun in heaven today and everyday. Know that your mommy and daddy love you both more than words can ever say. I will always praise God for the fact that he choose me to carry two of the most special beautiful girls in all the world. I love you and I miss you more than words.
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Memories
Wow! I cannot believe 2012 is already here and tomorrow it will be February 1st. Time goes by so quickly. I know it has been a while since my last post and for that I am sorry. January has been so busy. I thought after Christmas and New Years things would settle down, but it seems like it has been as busy as ever. This sometimes is good, but there are days where I want nothing more than to lay around and do nothing! I have gotten a few of those days and am hoping for a few more this next month! We will see.
January has been filled with all kinds of things for me. Bible study, a new small group, and work to name a few. I am grateful for all of these things. They keep my mind occupied for the most part and that is good for me. When my mind goes idle, I began to think and dream of a lot of things. I have always been that way, but now my dreams are filled of what ifs and memories of the past two years. January of 2011 was the month when everything was beginning to take shape of our little Ellie. This Thursday it will be a year since we went to Cincinnati, thinking we were going there for something minor and driving home with news we never expected. Ellie had several conditions going on that all together, the doctors had never seen before. They weren't sure what to expect. Doctors appointments would begin every week to monitor her. We were scared, but we trusted God. He was going to lead us through this, we had no doubt about that.
I can still say that HE is leading us through this. I wonder every day when I look at other people with their babies and children, "Why my family Lord? Why us?" Some days, I want to scream, I won't lie. The hurt just hits me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. But I still trust Him. I still believe He has a plan. There is no day I can get through without the Lord, but some days when it gets to rough, I literally look up and say "You know where I am right now, give me strength to get through this." What I feel after that, is this force that is like no other. He carries me through that moment and each moment after that.
I want to see good things for my family this year and I believe with all my heart, God has that in store for us. I just know that I have to keep trusting, and He will keep providing.
Last night in my bible study I heard the most beautiful statement. It touched my heart in such a special way. A lady had been listening to the christian radio station and heard this: "When you take photographs, you go in to a dark room to develop them and out come the most beautiful pictures. The same can be said when the Lord takes you in to a dark place. Out of the darkest of moments can come the most beautiful pictures."
Lord, my prayer today and every day from now on is that of the darkness you would bring me beauty. Help me to show your love and mercy and kindness every day.
In Him,
April
January has been filled with all kinds of things for me. Bible study, a new small group, and work to name a few. I am grateful for all of these things. They keep my mind occupied for the most part and that is good for me. When my mind goes idle, I began to think and dream of a lot of things. I have always been that way, but now my dreams are filled of what ifs and memories of the past two years. January of 2011 was the month when everything was beginning to take shape of our little Ellie. This Thursday it will be a year since we went to Cincinnati, thinking we were going there for something minor and driving home with news we never expected. Ellie had several conditions going on that all together, the doctors had never seen before. They weren't sure what to expect. Doctors appointments would begin every week to monitor her. We were scared, but we trusted God. He was going to lead us through this, we had no doubt about that.
I can still say that HE is leading us through this. I wonder every day when I look at other people with their babies and children, "Why my family Lord? Why us?" Some days, I want to scream, I won't lie. The hurt just hits me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. But I still trust Him. I still believe He has a plan. There is no day I can get through without the Lord, but some days when it gets to rough, I literally look up and say "You know where I am right now, give me strength to get through this." What I feel after that, is this force that is like no other. He carries me through that moment and each moment after that.
I want to see good things for my family this year and I believe with all my heart, God has that in store for us. I just know that I have to keep trusting, and He will keep providing.
Last night in my bible study I heard the most beautiful statement. It touched my heart in such a special way. A lady had been listening to the christian radio station and heard this: "When you take photographs, you go in to a dark room to develop them and out come the most beautiful pictures. The same can be said when the Lord takes you in to a dark place. Out of the darkest of moments can come the most beautiful pictures."
Lord, my prayer today and every day from now on is that of the darkness you would bring me beauty. Help me to show your love and mercy and kindness every day.
In Him,
April
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tomorrow
Tomorrow it will have been a year. A year since we were introduced to our little miracle, Ellison Kate. I will never forget that day. We were so excited and nervous. We wanted our little baby growing inside of me to be healthy and active and all the things you think of when you are pregnant. Sadly, when you have been through a loss, pregnancy is never the same. You are left, no matter how much you place your trust in the Lord, with a fear that will never leave you. I remember we were excited because for the first time in months we were experiencing joy again. We were excited for our future. I was also so excited to share this moment with my brother and sister-in-law. It was a special time for all of us. A time I know we will never forget. The emotions that we felt when Judy told us it was a girl, still leaves me in awe. God had blessed us again and for that alone we were excited. I remember my brother taking picture after picture of the screen of little Ellie moving around. He recorded her heartbeat. All of us were so overjoyed! Ellison Kate was her name and we couldn't wait to share that with the world. She was a blessing God gave us for so many different reasons. She is still a blessing to this day.
I will also never forget the moment my doctor walked in and congratulated us. She was excited, we were excited (can you tell we were excited!!!). But then she said something that would change our lives forever, but at the time we didn't see the whole picture. I remember her words like it was yesterday. Judy thinks she sees something, but we're not sure. It looks like her stomach could be on the wrong side. I remember Matt and I both questioning how bad that could be and she wasn't sure. With everything else we had been through that past year, we both thought it couldn't be that bad. We've been through the worse, it can't get any worse is what I kept telling myself. We both decided to focus on the positive, until we knew for sure. We were going to rescan in two weeks. Hopefully Ellie was just to small and we didn't see it right. Little did we know at that time, the little miracle she was. Ellie still amazes me to this day. How could she not?
Christmas has come and gone this year. It's been different for us both. It's our first Christmas in two years that I wasn't pregnant. The first time since 2009, we haven't felt like we had something to look forward too. It's been hard, I won't lie. I don't think I fully realized what joy carrying the girls through Christmas brought me. It was weird to not have a present under the tree for Maddy or Ellie. I think it's safe to say that even with our family around us, we just felt lonely. A part of us is just gone. It's with our girls waiting for us in heaven. And as hard as that is sometimes, I wouldn't have that any other way. I am grateful though for our family and friends who have been with us and just loved us through this season. You all have brought a smile to my face on even the hardest of days and I praise God for that.
With 2012 right around the corner, I have mixed emotions. I am ready for the new year, excited for what the Lord has in store for us. On the other hand, I am sad to leave 2011 behind. God gave Matt and I the most beautiful gift this year in Ellison Kate. And I guess, as many of you who have been through a loss like ours would agree, I feel like going in to a new year is leaving what was given to us this year and I hate that. But, as soon as I think that, I try to let it leave my mind. Ellie and Maddy will never be gone from my heart. I will NEVER forget them. My life is forever changed because of them. I wouldn't have that any other way.
Ellie Kate, mommy and daddy think of you each day. You left a mark on our hearts that changed us forever. I will never forget the day we found out we were having YOU! How joyful you made us. God allowed us to see the beginning of just how special you were to be. How lucky we are that God choose us to carry you! We miss you and we love you.
Love,
Mommy
I will also never forget the moment my doctor walked in and congratulated us. She was excited, we were excited (can you tell we were excited!!!). But then she said something that would change our lives forever, but at the time we didn't see the whole picture. I remember her words like it was yesterday. Judy thinks she sees something, but we're not sure. It looks like her stomach could be on the wrong side. I remember Matt and I both questioning how bad that could be and she wasn't sure. With everything else we had been through that past year, we both thought it couldn't be that bad. We've been through the worse, it can't get any worse is what I kept telling myself. We both decided to focus on the positive, until we knew for sure. We were going to rescan in two weeks. Hopefully Ellie was just to small and we didn't see it right. Little did we know at that time, the little miracle she was. Ellie still amazes me to this day. How could she not?
Christmas has come and gone this year. It's been different for us both. It's our first Christmas in two years that I wasn't pregnant. The first time since 2009, we haven't felt like we had something to look forward too. It's been hard, I won't lie. I don't think I fully realized what joy carrying the girls through Christmas brought me. It was weird to not have a present under the tree for Maddy or Ellie. I think it's safe to say that even with our family around us, we just felt lonely. A part of us is just gone. It's with our girls waiting for us in heaven. And as hard as that is sometimes, I wouldn't have that any other way. I am grateful though for our family and friends who have been with us and just loved us through this season. You all have brought a smile to my face on even the hardest of days and I praise God for that.
With 2012 right around the corner, I have mixed emotions. I am ready for the new year, excited for what the Lord has in store for us. On the other hand, I am sad to leave 2011 behind. God gave Matt and I the most beautiful gift this year in Ellison Kate. And I guess, as many of you who have been through a loss like ours would agree, I feel like going in to a new year is leaving what was given to us this year and I hate that. But, as soon as I think that, I try to let it leave my mind. Ellie and Maddy will never be gone from my heart. I will NEVER forget them. My life is forever changed because of them. I wouldn't have that any other way.
Ellie Kate, mommy and daddy think of you each day. You left a mark on our hearts that changed us forever. I will never forget the day we found out we were having YOU! How joyful you made us. God allowed us to see the beginning of just how special you were to be. How lucky we are that God choose us to carry you! We miss you and we love you.
Love,
Mommy
Monday, December 5, 2011
A Special Tree
As a little girl, this was always my favorite time of year. Thanksgiving meant Christmas was coming. With Christmas came so many magical things to me. I use to get so excited to go pick out the Christmas tree with my parents and my brother (even if he did pick on me the whole ride there, the entire time we were trying to pick out the tree, and the whole ride back) and bring it back home to decorate it. My dad always had to set the tree in the stand and get it just right (which usually meant my mom and him going back and forth on what was perfect) and then, the decorating would begin. I was and still am not a fan of putting the lights on the tree. It has always flustered me. That was normally left to my mom. But then, once that part was finished, we could start to put all the ornaments on the tree. I loved to do this. I loved to get these ornaments out each year and remember who made which one and how my parents got that ornament. Our family tree was filled with the kind of ornaments that might not have looked perfect on the outside, but they were made with love and created memories that would last a lifetime.
As I got older, I began to want to collect ornaments of my own. I wanted them for the day I would have a tree in my house. I began to buy ornaments and people began to get them for me as gifts. It got to the point that after a couple years I had enough ornaments to put on a tree and I still didn't have my own place! So, the following year my mom let me decorate their tree with my ornaments. I was thrilled to show off my collection of beautiful things. It never occurred to me, till this year, that while everyone one of them were pretty to me, they had no special meaning to them. Not like, the ones on my parents tree. They were just something pretty to look at.
Over the years, since Matt and I have been together, we have begun to collect new ornaments. Special ones. Matt has special fishing ones, there are ones with some wedding photos in them, we have ornaments from our first Christmas together, and one for the year we moved into our new home. Those are special to me, but this year, I got to hang two ornaments together, that have more meaning to me than any other ornament on that tree. I got to hang the letter M and the letter E. When I hung those this year, I stood there for a moment and thought, this tree could only have those two letters on there and it would look perfect. Those two letters, represent so much to me. Hope, strength, beauty, peace, love, mercy, I could go on and on and on. I could never say enough about our girls. They are the most important thing to Matt and I. They always will be. Though there lives here on earth were not as long as we would have liked them to be, their lives had meaning. God put them here for a purpose. Maddy and Ellie will always be a part of our hearts.
What I am trying to see this Christmas, is what God could have in store for us in the future. I will admit, thought I might not show it, I am really struggling this season. It's hard. We had so many dreams we were wanting to create with our girls. So many memories we were hoping to create. I know God has a plan for us. I believe that with all my heart. I guess that's where the human side of me comes out. I just want God to reveal his plan to me now, but I know deep down that's not how it works. His timing is perfect and His plan is perfect.
This year, with all of the hustle and bustle of the season, I am reminding myself each day to stop and thank Him for all of the goodness and grace He has to offer. I am also thanking Him for the wonderful family and friends that have loved us and supported us and continue to encourage us no matter what. I am also thanking Him for the letters on the tree. What beautiful memories of two beautiful girls they bring to my mind each time I walk past it.
In Him,
April
As I got older, I began to want to collect ornaments of my own. I wanted them for the day I would have a tree in my house. I began to buy ornaments and people began to get them for me as gifts. It got to the point that after a couple years I had enough ornaments to put on a tree and I still didn't have my own place! So, the following year my mom let me decorate their tree with my ornaments. I was thrilled to show off my collection of beautiful things. It never occurred to me, till this year, that while everyone one of them were pretty to me, they had no special meaning to them. Not like, the ones on my parents tree. They were just something pretty to look at.
Over the years, since Matt and I have been together, we have begun to collect new ornaments. Special ones. Matt has special fishing ones, there are ones with some wedding photos in them, we have ornaments from our first Christmas together, and one for the year we moved into our new home. Those are special to me, but this year, I got to hang two ornaments together, that have more meaning to me than any other ornament on that tree. I got to hang the letter M and the letter E. When I hung those this year, I stood there for a moment and thought, this tree could only have those two letters on there and it would look perfect. Those two letters, represent so much to me. Hope, strength, beauty, peace, love, mercy, I could go on and on and on. I could never say enough about our girls. They are the most important thing to Matt and I. They always will be. Though there lives here on earth were not as long as we would have liked them to be, their lives had meaning. God put them here for a purpose. Maddy and Ellie will always be a part of our hearts.
What I am trying to see this Christmas, is what God could have in store for us in the future. I will admit, thought I might not show it, I am really struggling this season. It's hard. We had so many dreams we were wanting to create with our girls. So many memories we were hoping to create. I know God has a plan for us. I believe that with all my heart. I guess that's where the human side of me comes out. I just want God to reveal his plan to me now, but I know deep down that's not how it works. His timing is perfect and His plan is perfect.
This year, with all of the hustle and bustle of the season, I am reminding myself each day to stop and thank Him for all of the goodness and grace He has to offer. I am also thanking Him for the wonderful family and friends that have loved us and supported us and continue to encourage us no matter what. I am also thanking Him for the letters on the tree. What beautiful memories of two beautiful girls they bring to my mind each time I walk past it.
In Him,
April
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Packing Up
Life. Since we have been home life has been very, very, very busy. We have just had a lot to handle since we got home. It's been overwhelming at times. I am so grateful and continue to be for all of the friends and family we have that have helped us and continue to love us and support us. With Gods strength, they are helping to keep us going. I am so appreciative of that. Part of our life we just put on hold since we got home. It was a part that I will admit, I didn't want to face. I didn't want to have to, in a way, let go, if I can call it that. I don't know if that's even the right way to put it. You never let go of memories.
Yesterday was the day to straighten, organize and box up some of Ellie's things. When we got home from Cincinnati, we brought home everything of Ellie's. Clothes, cards, letters, supplies, you name it, we had it. To be honest, when we got back to Evansville, I just could not face packing her things up. I can do a lot, but to box her things up was unbearable. So, most of it got put in what was to be her room (which was to be Maddy's as well, so I now call that room the girls' room) and our spare bedroom. It has all been pretty much laying there in the same spot since we got home. I think it's been a process for me to get to the point I could box it up. How do you box up and pack away your child's belongings when you know there not here? It wasn't like we were doing it just because she grew out of those things or wasn't playing with those toys anymore. It's these things that I struggle with. I just don't understand why us. Why did we have to lose another child? I am still and will always be praying through these moments. God continues to give me strength. And with each day, He is filling me with hope. I know He understands these moments that I have. Our God, is a loving, awesome, patient and understanding God. It's amazing the strength He gives me.
So, we began the process of putting away Ellie's clothes, her stuffed animals, her toys, her books and anything else you can imagine we had. It was like time stood still for several hours yesterday. As I put some of her things away, I could remember moments we had when she was in that outfit, or how her levels improved with that certain stuffed animal. What I will always remember though (and I think of this each day) is what an amazing, strong, courageous little girl she was. I've said it before but Ellie Kate taught me so much. God used her in such a big way. I will always be proud to tell people about my little girl and what God did through her. How He blessed Matt and I. It still leaves me speechless.
When everything was put up and the room was back together, I just stood there and took it in. It's was amazing to stand there and think of all the dreams and memories that are in that room. The room is still set up and we have left some of both of the girls stuffed toys and blankets in their bed. That is special to me. I can go right in there and feel close to them with the touch of a blanket or the squeeze of stuffed doggy.
There are moments each day when I just wish I could look in to the future and see what God has in store for my family. I know we can't know for certain what His plan is for us. We have to trust. I am learning to do that a little more each day. By His grace, we continue to move forward.
Love you all,
Ellie's Mommy
Yesterday was the day to straighten, organize and box up some of Ellie's things. When we got home from Cincinnati, we brought home everything of Ellie's. Clothes, cards, letters, supplies, you name it, we had it. To be honest, when we got back to Evansville, I just could not face packing her things up. I can do a lot, but to box her things up was unbearable. So, most of it got put in what was to be her room (which was to be Maddy's as well, so I now call that room the girls' room) and our spare bedroom. It has all been pretty much laying there in the same spot since we got home. I think it's been a process for me to get to the point I could box it up. How do you box up and pack away your child's belongings when you know there not here? It wasn't like we were doing it just because she grew out of those things or wasn't playing with those toys anymore. It's these things that I struggle with. I just don't understand why us. Why did we have to lose another child? I am still and will always be praying through these moments. God continues to give me strength. And with each day, He is filling me with hope. I know He understands these moments that I have. Our God, is a loving, awesome, patient and understanding God. It's amazing the strength He gives me.
So, we began the process of putting away Ellie's clothes, her stuffed animals, her toys, her books and anything else you can imagine we had. It was like time stood still for several hours yesterday. As I put some of her things away, I could remember moments we had when she was in that outfit, or how her levels improved with that certain stuffed animal. What I will always remember though (and I think of this each day) is what an amazing, strong, courageous little girl she was. I've said it before but Ellie Kate taught me so much. God used her in such a big way. I will always be proud to tell people about my little girl and what God did through her. How He blessed Matt and I. It still leaves me speechless.
When everything was put up and the room was back together, I just stood there and took it in. It's was amazing to stand there and think of all the dreams and memories that are in that room. The room is still set up and we have left some of both of the girls stuffed toys and blankets in their bed. That is special to me. I can go right in there and feel close to them with the touch of a blanket or the squeeze of stuffed doggy.
There are moments each day when I just wish I could look in to the future and see what God has in store for my family. I know we can't know for certain what His plan is for us. We have to trust. I am learning to do that a little more each day. By His grace, we continue to move forward.
Love you all,
Ellie's Mommy
Sunday, October 30, 2011
The Past Two Weeks...
I have to apologize before I say anything else. The past two weeks have been very busy and filled with ups and downs. I don't know where to begin, but I am going to do my best so here goes-
The past couple of weeks have been rough in many different ways. I can't really explain all of it and some of it I don't want to explain. It's to hard for even me to understand. The one thing I can ask is that you pray for me. I am trying to pray through some things in my life that are very hurtful and sad. It doesn't make complete sense right now, but I know some day God is going to help me understand it all. I am praying each day for him to allow me to see the whys and with His strength and grace I know I will.
A big thing that has been put in my face these past couple weeks is prayer and how sometimes we get our prayers answered and sometimes we don't get them answered the way we would hope for. Even with my faith and trust in the Lord, I still struggle. How could you not? We are human. I can't begin to list the endless times, ways, and places I sat in Cincinnati and prayed for my little Ellie to be healed. It would be really easy for me to say that I prayed and prayed and prayed but didn't get my prayers answered. To say that, in one way would be wrong. We saw many prayers answered while we were with Ellie. God performed miracles in and through her, that can only be explained one way, it was God. He brought her back so many times when the doctors said she wouldn't make it. I remember one time when Ellie was struggling and they didn't know what else they could do for her. We sent out texts and asked so many of you to pray. I remember my brother sending me a text back and letting me know Bro. Mike had just led the whole church in prayer. It was at about the same moment we knew that his church's prayer had begun and ended, that Ellie's numbers went up again. That is a example to me of an answer to prayer. It was a tiny miracle that we wanted and the Lord responded. Do I still wish she would have been healed completely? YES!!!! It's these moments that will always be hard for me to understand, because she was healed, just not on this earth. I still pray each day that God helps me to understand that and trust Him.
This past week I had to pray for strength for family. My grandpa went to heaven on Wednesday evening. He was 96 years old and lived a life full of memories. It was hard to see him go, but I know he is so happy in heaven. Being with him the past week, brought back a lot of old emotions and new ones for me. To watch my grandpa laying there the last few days he was on this earth was hard for me. Even though he was 96, to watch him like that was rough. He couldn't speak to any of us but we could talk to him and I know he heard us. When my mom called and told me he was in heaven, I was ok. I knew he was ready and at the moment she called me I knew he was living life again. When I hung up the phone with her, it took me a few seconds and then it hit me. Mom had called me just a few minutes after he passed and I realized at the moment my mom and I were talking he was in heaven, meeting my girls for the first time. I couldn't help it, I just sobbed. Part of it was joy for him and the other part sadness because I miss them. Something hit me today and I just thought it was awesome-my girls were one of the first to greet him in heaven. What a gift! Just to think of that moment when he saw Maddy and Ellie and grandma and so many others is so amazing. I know it's something I could never fully describe, but I know he is having an amazing time right now laughing and walking and I'm sure teasing people! He loved to do that!!!
I want to thank everyone for all of the continued prayers and encouragement you give to us. You have no idea how much it means and how much it helps. I find strength on days that I know they only way I am getting it, is through the Lord. Weak or strong, talking to Him, does mighty, mighty things.
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
The past couple of weeks have been rough in many different ways. I can't really explain all of it and some of it I don't want to explain. It's to hard for even me to understand. The one thing I can ask is that you pray for me. I am trying to pray through some things in my life that are very hurtful and sad. It doesn't make complete sense right now, but I know some day God is going to help me understand it all. I am praying each day for him to allow me to see the whys and with His strength and grace I know I will.
A big thing that has been put in my face these past couple weeks is prayer and how sometimes we get our prayers answered and sometimes we don't get them answered the way we would hope for. Even with my faith and trust in the Lord, I still struggle. How could you not? We are human. I can't begin to list the endless times, ways, and places I sat in Cincinnati and prayed for my little Ellie to be healed. It would be really easy for me to say that I prayed and prayed and prayed but didn't get my prayers answered. To say that, in one way would be wrong. We saw many prayers answered while we were with Ellie. God performed miracles in and through her, that can only be explained one way, it was God. He brought her back so many times when the doctors said she wouldn't make it. I remember one time when Ellie was struggling and they didn't know what else they could do for her. We sent out texts and asked so many of you to pray. I remember my brother sending me a text back and letting me know Bro. Mike had just led the whole church in prayer. It was at about the same moment we knew that his church's prayer had begun and ended, that Ellie's numbers went up again. That is a example to me of an answer to prayer. It was a tiny miracle that we wanted and the Lord responded. Do I still wish she would have been healed completely? YES!!!! It's these moments that will always be hard for me to understand, because she was healed, just not on this earth. I still pray each day that God helps me to understand that and trust Him.
This past week I had to pray for strength for family. My grandpa went to heaven on Wednesday evening. He was 96 years old and lived a life full of memories. It was hard to see him go, but I know he is so happy in heaven. Being with him the past week, brought back a lot of old emotions and new ones for me. To watch my grandpa laying there the last few days he was on this earth was hard for me. Even though he was 96, to watch him like that was rough. He couldn't speak to any of us but we could talk to him and I know he heard us. When my mom called and told me he was in heaven, I was ok. I knew he was ready and at the moment she called me I knew he was living life again. When I hung up the phone with her, it took me a few seconds and then it hit me. Mom had called me just a few minutes after he passed and I realized at the moment my mom and I were talking he was in heaven, meeting my girls for the first time. I couldn't help it, I just sobbed. Part of it was joy for him and the other part sadness because I miss them. Something hit me today and I just thought it was awesome-my girls were one of the first to greet him in heaven. What a gift! Just to think of that moment when he saw Maddy and Ellie and grandma and so many others is so amazing. I know it's something I could never fully describe, but I know he is having an amazing time right now laughing and walking and I'm sure teasing people! He loved to do that!!!
I want to thank everyone for all of the continued prayers and encouragement you give to us. You have no idea how much it means and how much it helps. I find strength on days that I know they only way I am getting it, is through the Lord. Weak or strong, talking to Him, does mighty, mighty things.
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Meeting The Girls
I have one living grandparent. My Grandpa Doan is 96 years old. He has been so strong for so many years. I think anyone in my family would agree and smile about the fact of how many times he would be sick, need surgery, brake a hip, suffer mini strokes and think he was passing away. Not this man. Any one that knows him knows this was not the case. Many, many, MANY times he has come back stronger. As I went to see him this afternoon, I have really begun to see and believe that the time is nearing when he is going to go to heaven.
Today when I went to visit him, it broke my heart. My Grandpa for so many years of my life was the man that was active in his garden, loved yard work, like to go to the donut bank and LOVED to tease. To see him now, bed ridden and barely able to speak, is hard. I know it is hard for him as well. What is amazing is how he can still remember us and so many things. He doesn't remember everything all of the time, but for 96, his mind is still sharp. He remembers the girls. He knows where they are.
We were talking today at his bed and all at once he looked at me with tears in his eyes. He then said to me "I am soon going to be kissing your girls and my wife!" It was all I could to keep from losing it in front of him. He then started crying harder and kept talking about seeing them and my grandma. We were able to talk a little about how neat that moment will be. The past two years I have not been able to spend as much time with him as I would have like to, so to have that time with him today, was so, so special. I am so grateful for it. I have to admit too, that to know he is possibly very close to seeing Maddy and Ellie, makes me a little jealous! The rest of this day I have wondered what that will be like for him. He never got to see Maddy or meet Ellie. How awesome for him that he is going to be welcomed in to heaven by Matt and I's two beautiful girls. What a beautiful picture that has been put in to my mind today.
The past few days have been filled with a lot of emotions for me. To see my grandpa today, brought a lot more. I am left tonight picturing the moment Grandpa is called home and sees Grandma, Eric, David, Maddy, and Ellie. To picture that moment leaves me speechless...
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
Today when I went to visit him, it broke my heart. My Grandpa for so many years of my life was the man that was active in his garden, loved yard work, like to go to the donut bank and LOVED to tease. To see him now, bed ridden and barely able to speak, is hard. I know it is hard for him as well. What is amazing is how he can still remember us and so many things. He doesn't remember everything all of the time, but for 96, his mind is still sharp. He remembers the girls. He knows where they are.
We were talking today at his bed and all at once he looked at me with tears in his eyes. He then said to me "I am soon going to be kissing your girls and my wife!" It was all I could to keep from losing it in front of him. He then started crying harder and kept talking about seeing them and my grandma. We were able to talk a little about how neat that moment will be. The past two years I have not been able to spend as much time with him as I would have like to, so to have that time with him today, was so, so special. I am so grateful for it. I have to admit too, that to know he is possibly very close to seeing Maddy and Ellie, makes me a little jealous! The rest of this day I have wondered what that will be like for him. He never got to see Maddy or meet Ellie. How awesome for him that he is going to be welcomed in to heaven by Matt and I's two beautiful girls. What a beautiful picture that has been put in to my mind today.
The past few days have been filled with a lot of emotions for me. To see my grandpa today, brought a lot more. I am left tonight picturing the moment Grandpa is called home and sees Grandma, Eric, David, Maddy, and Ellie. To picture that moment leaves me speechless...
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Courageous
Several days ago, Matt and I were able to go see the movie Courageous. Wow. I could really leave this entry with just saying that. This movie is so powerful and gets to the heart in so many ways. It teaches so many important lessons about fatherhood. It has a wonderful christian base, that you don't get in to many movies anymore. It is just a awesome movie. I was touched by it in so many ways. I don't want to give the whole movie away for those who haven't seen it, but it's story really hit home for Matt and I. I think I can be honest and say, we both cried for the way it was so close to our situation. This is just an amazing, powerful beyond words, touching, and gripping movie.
This movie, like I said above, is about fathers. It's about fathers taking a stand for their families. Raising their children in christian homes. Men being the leaders of their households. I know I have said it before, but I was very, very blessed to have been given a amazing dad. I know, like many do, when I was younger, I probably took his love and devotion to me for granted. Now that I am older, I look back and see how loved I was and still am, and I just give thanks to God. My dad loves me beyond measure, he cares for me in a way that I can't describe. This man, my dad, would do anything for me. Even though I am married now and have a life and family of my own, I know that I am still his little girl. My dad did and does everything he can for his family. He is a true man and I am proud to call him my dad.
I was also very blessed to be given such a wonderful husband in Matt. Matt is an amazing daddy. He loves his girls with a devotion that I can't fully put in to words. To see him in the hospital with his Ellie was a beautiful thing to watch. Matt would and did anything he could to make sure his little girl was taken care of. He gave up everything to be with his daughter. In my eyes, that's what a daddy should do. Nothing else mattered to him then making sure his Ellie was ok. He spent every moment that he could with her. He sometimes went on little or no sleep just to be with her, help her, care for her anyway he could. He is another example, to me of Godly man. His love for his girls just leaves me awestruck. To watch the movie, made me think of Matt and the devotion he has to his girls. That left me sobbing. I am just so proud of Matt. He loves his girls and he loves me with a devotion that I know comes from the Lord. I feel like a very lucky girl.
Please, please, please go see this movie. I know if you do you will walk away from it a changed person. It is a touching, moving, emotional story that will get right to your heart. It did mine. Just make sure you take Kleenex....you will need it.
Love to all,
Ellie's Mommy
This movie, like I said above, is about fathers. It's about fathers taking a stand for their families. Raising their children in christian homes. Men being the leaders of their households. I know I have said it before, but I was very, very blessed to have been given a amazing dad. I know, like many do, when I was younger, I probably took his love and devotion to me for granted. Now that I am older, I look back and see how loved I was and still am, and I just give thanks to God. My dad loves me beyond measure, he cares for me in a way that I can't describe. This man, my dad, would do anything for me. Even though I am married now and have a life and family of my own, I know that I am still his little girl. My dad did and does everything he can for his family. He is a true man and I am proud to call him my dad.
I was also very blessed to be given such a wonderful husband in Matt. Matt is an amazing daddy. He loves his girls with a devotion that I can't fully put in to words. To see him in the hospital with his Ellie was a beautiful thing to watch. Matt would and did anything he could to make sure his little girl was taken care of. He gave up everything to be with his daughter. In my eyes, that's what a daddy should do. Nothing else mattered to him then making sure his Ellie was ok. He spent every moment that he could with her. He sometimes went on little or no sleep just to be with her, help her, care for her anyway he could. He is another example, to me of Godly man. His love for his girls just leaves me awestruck. To watch the movie, made me think of Matt and the devotion he has to his girls. That left me sobbing. I am just so proud of Matt. He loves his girls and he loves me with a devotion that I know comes from the Lord. I feel like a very lucky girl.
Please, please, please go see this movie. I know if you do you will walk away from it a changed person. It is a touching, moving, emotional story that will get right to your heart. It did mine. Just make sure you take Kleenex....you will need it.
Love to all,
Ellie's Mommy
Monday, October 10, 2011
Where I Belong
This past week has been busy, to say the least. It's been amazing to see how getting home and getting back to this life can keep you so on the go. I realized yesterday it had been a week since I had written. I was upset at myself when I realized that. I have really loved doing this and want to continue. I have told myself this morning that this week I need to start doing better. Writing has been a great release for me, a way to get my feelings out that I might not be able to any other way. I need to keep doing this. It keeps me feeling connected to this huge family we have out there!
The other day I was in the car headed to pick my mom up. My emotions have been kind of all over the place lately. I can go from happy one moment to sad the next. I guess the best way to describe the grieving process is unique. Each person grieves differently. You have bad days, followed by good days, followed by indifferent days, followed by days you are just there, trying to get through the day. The day I was going to get my mom was a day I was just trying to get through. I have especially hard moments when I just want to be with my girls. I have said it before but the ache just gets so bad, I just want to curl up in a ball in bed and not get out. Before I go on, I will tell you I pray and pray and pray through those moments. With God's strength, I get through them. I was in the car, on the short drive to get her and this song came on that just made me smile. It was a song by the group Building 429 and the song was called "Where I Belong". It spoke right to my heart. God knew just what I needed to hear. Here are just part of the lyrics-
"All I know is I'm not home yet/This is not where I belong/Take this world and give me Jesus/This is not where I belong."
How amazing are those words?!?! I think sometimes it's easy for me to forget that is not our home. This is just temporary. We are only here on this earth for as long as God wants us to be. It's then that we get to our permanent home. This world has a lot of nice things in it, but nothing compares to what we have in heaven. Nothing.
I am so glad I have that hope and that belief. I'm not home yet. Until that day, when He calls me home, I am going to do my best to live my life the way He would want me to here. I want to be the best witness for Him that I can be. I'm not perfect, nobody is. He has me here, still here, for a reason. I feel honored and privileged that I am a child of God's.
Please continue to pray for us. It gives us strength every single day. We are so thankful and grateful for them all.
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
The other day I was in the car headed to pick my mom up. My emotions have been kind of all over the place lately. I can go from happy one moment to sad the next. I guess the best way to describe the grieving process is unique. Each person grieves differently. You have bad days, followed by good days, followed by indifferent days, followed by days you are just there, trying to get through the day. The day I was going to get my mom was a day I was just trying to get through. I have especially hard moments when I just want to be with my girls. I have said it before but the ache just gets so bad, I just want to curl up in a ball in bed and not get out. Before I go on, I will tell you I pray and pray and pray through those moments. With God's strength, I get through them. I was in the car, on the short drive to get her and this song came on that just made me smile. It was a song by the group Building 429 and the song was called "Where I Belong". It spoke right to my heart. God knew just what I needed to hear. Here are just part of the lyrics-
"All I know is I'm not home yet/This is not where I belong/Take this world and give me Jesus/This is not where I belong."
How amazing are those words?!?! I think sometimes it's easy for me to forget that is not our home. This is just temporary. We are only here on this earth for as long as God wants us to be. It's then that we get to our permanent home. This world has a lot of nice things in it, but nothing compares to what we have in heaven. Nothing.
I am so glad I have that hope and that belief. I'm not home yet. Until that day, when He calls me home, I am going to do my best to live my life the way He would want me to here. I want to be the best witness for Him that I can be. I'm not perfect, nobody is. He has me here, still here, for a reason. I feel honored and privileged that I am a child of God's.
Please continue to pray for us. It gives us strength every single day. We are so thankful and grateful for them all.
Love,
Ellie's Mommy
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